Wherever I go
by LovelessDestiny
Summary: Clint/Coulson slash! Coulson got killed during a mission, at least that's what they were told. Clint tries desperately to cope with the loss of his husband until Nick reveals the truth. Not a death fic, I'm a hopeless romantic and not able to kill one of them.
1. Left behind

**Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing. Every right belongs to Marvel.

**Pairing:** Clint/Coulson, mentioned Steve/Tony, Natasha/Bruce

**Warning:** not a death fic

**A./N.:** It's the third story I wrote for this fandom. I started a story at the same time I started Talking at cross purposes but it kinda got out of hand and is not finished yet but I will publish it soon.

So I thought I write a little story while you have to wait. The idea ghosted around in my head for months, so it was time to write it down. I hope it's a good story.

I borrowed the title "Wherever I go" from Buckcherry, it's one of the songs on the album "Avengers Assemble"

Have fun :)

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High upon a cliff, not too far from Tony Stark's mansion, was where he liked it best. He could see the sea, hear the gulls and fitting to his mood this day even the rage of mother nature.

His lover showed him the place when they first started dating.

And the loss of said lover was what brought him back there.

Their third wedding anniversary was rolling around and they used to come out here.

Normally they spent their time with talking and eating their favorite meals, from their favorite restaurant. Holding each other, watching the scenery, making out sometimes.

All the little things couples do to vow their undying love.

Life seemed like such a farce right now.

Living to protect people who do not appreciate to be saved. Ungrateful was a word he constantly associated with the human race. Ungrateful and hypocritical.

Oh they weren't all ungrateful, they were thankful for saving their loved ones but society in general was not.

His lover went out to save a village from harm, somewhere where corruption was thriving and help far away, and they left him there, all alone.

Fighting about politics, regulations and how far they could go interfering with South America's affairs just to get an Agent back, while he fought for his life.

At the time they found a solution, or more Fury gave a fuck and went on, it was already too late.

They couldn't find a body but they brought his gun and bloody shirt back home.

DNA tests gave the dreaded evidence that it was indeed his lover's blood, he had hoped for days that it wasn't Phil's blood. That it was someone else's blood but deep down he'd known the chance was vanishingly low.

Even though they couldn't prove his demise they changed his MIA status to KIA.

His body probably rotting in a ditch.

Clint remembered how they ordered him into HQ and gave him Phil's belongings.

They said they were sorry and then they left.

They left him all alone in the middle of a conference room, with Phil's blood soaked shirt and gun, and his bitter thoughts.

He couldn't believe in what they said. He couldn't believe that his husband was gone.

Clint never hated himself as much for following orders as he did since that day.

Phil would have wanted him to follow their orders, because that was what a good Agent did.

He should have given in to the urge to look for him on his own, he came to the conclusion that Phil would have done that too. The mission was classified but he would have been able to get the information nonetheless.

Yesterday they buried him, an empty coffin just filled with the memory of an great Agent, husband and friend.

Captain America and his team had been there, he could see that they were truly sad.

Phil had been one of their handlers for months, since Loki and his minions attacked, and even before that he supervised missions which involved Stark or Rogers.

Clint couldn't show his emotions during the funeral, he just stood there, staring at the grave through his sunglasses. Natasha stood close to him, whispering to him once in a while to coax out a reaction but he couldn't react. He was too scared to break if he did.

Therefore he cried and raged after he got home, their home. The apartment smelled like Phil, his things were everywhere, wherever he went Phil's memory was there too. The second toothbrush, the cologne, pictures, favorite coffee mug...

"Clint we have to go," Natasha said softly from behind him.

He nodded and whispered a, "Goodbye Phil," into the wind, in hope the wind would carry his words to wherever Phil might be.

:::::::::::::::::::

"Good morning Agent Barton, nice of you to join us," Fury glared as they entered the room. The Avenger's were already there, waiting for them.

"We had to attend an urgent matter, sir." Natasha apologized while Clint remained silent.

Nick gave her a nod before he continued, "Like I said, we decided to extend the Avenger project."

"Who will join us?" Cap wasn't sure he liked the idea.

"Just Agent Romanoff and Agent Barton will transfer to you." Fury ignored Clint's angry glare.

"No," the younger man hissed.

"Have I given anyone the impression that it's up for negotiation?" he looked around. "Can't remember it either."

"Why them?" Tony asked, eying Clint suspiciously.

"You worked well during Loki's attack and there is more work out there than you three can handle," it wasn't an offence.

"I have enough work with black ops, sir," Barton gritted out, he felt like Fury degraded him.

"Look at it as a promotion." Nick's eyes softened a little.

"We will gladly join them." Natasha hoped that Clint would come around and accept the fact that Phil wasn't there anymore and Nick tried to keep him safe. As safe as they could be in their line of work.

Clint nodded and remained silent, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"It would be nice, Mr. Stark, if they could move into the Avenger's mansion with you," Nick wanted to bring them closer together. Barton needed people who cared for others and who was better suited to keep the boy safe than Captain America and his bunch of softies. They would deny it but he knew better, under all the macho attitudes lay hearts of gold.

"Of course," Tony smirked. "Two bedrooms, or just one?"

Fury put a hand on Clint's shoulder to keep him in his seat. "Two rooms would be nice Mr. Stark."

Clint took a deep breath and tried to relax, if not for Nick he would have punched Tony.

"Little firecracker, are you?" Tony covered his surprise.

Hawkeye bit his lower lip to keep his mouth shut, he hated them.

He hated everything they represented.

Phil's beliefs and idealism got him killed and the Avengers represented everything Phil believed in.

"I will not tolerate your behavior Mr. Barton, normally I do not interfere but I will if your behavior threatens to endanger our team. Do you understand, son?"

"Sir, yes sir. And with all due respect sir, I'm no one's son." Clint stated, his tone was hard and left no room for an argument.

"All right, Agent." Cap nodded, not liking the kid.

"Can we leave now?" Clint asked Fury.

"Are you two joined at the hip, or why is it always we?" Tony wondered out loud.

"We are a team Mr. Stark," Natasha replied, "by far longer than you guys."

"0900 tomorrow morning, in the gym," Cap said before Nick could put an end to their meeting.

"You can go now, Clint I want to talk," Nick ordered.

"What do you want?" he leaned against the table, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Don't do that to yourself."

"I don't want that, Nick. I don't need them," he lowered his gaze.

"I think you do." Fury settled down on top of the table next to Clint, "You need a purpose and people who care."

"Everything I need is him."

"But he isn't here anymore," Fury stated, his heart arched at the thought of his old friend.

"Hmpf," Barton grunted, he knew Nick was Phil's best friend and that the older man hurt, too, but it didn't help one bit.

"I would offer you a few weeks off but I don't think it would help."

"No, sir. It wouldn't," he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat.

"You can talk to me whenever you need to."

"I know." Clint smiled sadly, "Thank you, sir. I appreciate what you did for him."

"He was my friend."

"He loved you very much, Nick. You were his best friend and he treasured your friendship." Clint left the table and walked to the door.

"It means a lot to me," it did indeed. "Be careful okay? He'd never forgive me if I fail you, too."

"You didn't fail him," Barton said before he left.

"It doesn't feel that way," Fury sighed and returned to his duties.

::::::::::::::::::

"Let's take a look at your skills," Cap eyed his new comrades. "Who wants to be first?"

Natasha took a step towards Steve, granting Clint some time for himself. "I want."

Steve nodded and got ready.

Natasha fought as fast and graceful as ever. "She would have handed you your ass if you weren't Captain America," Tony laughed as her left hook connected with Steve's jaw.

"That's enough for today Agent Romanoff," Steve grinned at Tony's comment. He was right the girl was great at hand to hand combat.

"Your turn," he motioned at Clint.

"Yes, sir," Steve rolled his eyes at the reply. "Stop calling me that."

"No, sir." Barton took a swing at Cap but the older man dodged him effortlessly.

After fifteen minutes Cap ended their sparing session. Clint panted heavily, his jaw was bruised and his lip split. Steve had a gash above his right eye where Clint's elbow connected with his face. The boy was good he had to give him credit for that but he seemed to be unfocused at times and that could cost him his life, or the lives of one of the others. "You need to work on your concentration, son."

Clint ignored his statement. "How's your side Nat?"

"Fine," she stated, both of them seemed rather chilly. "Your jaw?"

The archer snorted, "Had worse."

"You can move in tomorrow if you want to." Tony observed their behavior and came to the conclusion that they gave a damn about Cap or the Avengers.

"Great." Nat faked a smile while she put a hand on Clint's shoulder to offer some comfort, "I'll help you when you help me, deal?"

Clint grinned at her appreciating her try to sooth his pain. "You can ask your big guy," he said slyly.

"What?" her eyes widened.

"I'm sure Bruce will help you, right Dr. Banner?" he looked at the silent man who sat in a corner of the room, with a book in hand.

"I'd be glad to," he blushed faintly, therefore Nat blushed even more. "You don't have to," she would have stuttered if she weren't trained not to.

"I don't need your help Nat," he gave her an ungentle push in Bruce's direction before he grabbed his bag and left.

"He's such a sweety," Tony spat.

"Be careful what you say," Natasha threatened. "Leave him be."

"Why is that?"

"Give him time, that's all I'll say and it's all I'll ever ask you for," she folded her towel and put it back into her bag. "Would you like to join me for some coffee?" Nat invited Bruce.

"Yes," he said enthusiastically before he coughed and banned the childish happiness that bubbled in his chest.

"I don't understand him," Cap hated it.

"Me neither but we should give him more time, she must have a reason to ask for it so we should grant it," Tony said thoughtful.

"You're right," he looked around before he placed a soft kiss behind Tony's ear. "Who had thought that you're such a connoisseur of human nature."

"Big words for someone like you, Mr. I believe no one is evil by nature," he leaned into the kiss. Cap chuckled and the vibration against Tony's neck sent a wave of joy through his system.


	2. Troublemaker

"Hawkeye take them out," Cap hollered through the earpiece and Clint fought the urge to rip it out off his ear. It wasn't right, it wasn't Phil's voice. No one gave him orders but Phil, he fought every superior but Phil, and Nick.

But the main problem wasn't that Cap ordered him around, the problem was that Cap was Cap. Phil's hero since he was young. It was hard to deal with the feelings Rogers woke in him.

He let two arrows fly. "Done, sir," he needed to keep his distance.

"Good shot," Cap praised before he dodged a sword. He was ready for his counter-attack as an arrow pierced his enemies left eye. That's disgusting, Steve thought.

"I need help," they heard Tony say before a grunt echoed through their mics.

Natasha reached him first and tried to divert the green goblin but he just laughed at her. "Do you think you can defeat me little lady?"

Bruce was busy with Apocalypse and Steve wasn't fast enough to reach her in time as the Goblin started an attack. She did her best but she was outgunned.

"That's all?" she panted, mocking him. "Can't win against a woman?" rage made people careless and she hoped he would make mistakes, too.

"I heard about your tricks, black widow." Osborn made a fast move and pinned her to the ground, strangling her.

Just as he increased the pressure around her neck a shin connected with his face, he fell backwards with a heavy thud.

After the pain faded enough to focus on his surrounding he saw Hawkeye right in front of him, aiming with his bow at his head, "Surrender."

Green Goblin gritted his teeth while he fumbled carefully for his knife but just as he had it strong arms pulled him into a stranglehold from behind. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," Cap hissed into his ear.

They hadn't to wait long for S.H.I.E.L.D. to appear and take Goblin and his friends into custody.

"Good work." Cap smiled at his friends, "especially you," he gave Clint a nod, but got nothing in return.

"Anyone hurt?"

"Aside from my pride? No." Tony huffed, his voice sounded tinny because he couldn't get his helmet off.

"Just a few bruises," Natasha reported, eying Clint.

"Hulk fine."

"Would be nice if you could start to calm down, my friend." Steve dreaded Nick's lecture about costs and damage to property, that he knew would come.

"Are you okay?" Steve asked with worry in his eyes.

"Yes," he felt dead inside, was that an injury too?

"Let's head home then before Fury gets his hands on us." Cap felt relieved at the thought that his teammates were well.

::::::::::::::::::::

"Do you want to join us?" Tony offered.

"No," he wasn't interested to spend his evening with the team, he had a grave to visit.

"Come on. you can't shut us out forever. Accept it or not but we are a team and we have to trust each other."

"Don't trust you either," Clint shot back and left.

Tony was stunned. "Damn brat," he seethed.

Barton stopped at a flower shop before he visited Phil. He wasn't sure why he visited the empty grave but it was possibly because it was something like a shrine. He didn't know where Phil died or how exactly. This was the only place he could visit to feel close to him.

"Hey, love," he settled down in front of the grave, flowers in front of him. "I miss you."

He let the tears fall he kept back for hours. "It's lonely without you here and I miss your voice. I'm part of the Avenger project now. Nick wants to make sure I don't get myself killed during a black ops assignment. As if it makes a different where I get myself killed. You were right they are nice people but I can't take it. You're probably angry at me for not behaving well but it's difficult. Every time I look at Steve I hear your voice, see your face in front of me. The sparkle in your eyes while you talk about your favorite hero. The happiness that radiates from every pore of your body... You were right Stark is a funny guy, he tries hard to include me but I don't know why. He said it's a matter of trust but I suspect that he feels sorry for me for whatever reason. Natasha finally got her boy, at least I suspect she has. I pushed her into his arms and I hope she took the chance. We aren't talking much these days. I'm not in the mood to talk with anyone, expect from you of course. I'd do anything to get you back. Promise to collect my soul when my time has come, okay? I want it to be you to come and get me," he traced gently the patterns of the tombstone. "Make it quick, even if you have to blow out the candle of my life yourself," a sad smile graced his lips before he got up, sighing deeply. "See you, and happy anniversary love," he kissed his fingertips before he placed them against the tombstone.

"I miss him," he heard Bruce's voice as he passed the living room.

"He talked about a cellist before all hell broke loose back then," that was Tony.

"Does she know? I don't think I saw someone who looked like a lover," Bruce mused.

"Now that you mention it." Tony sounded thoughtful.

"Maybe their relationship didn't work out," Steve guessed.

"Sad isn't it." Tony lowered his tone, "No one but co-workers at your funeral. No one who loved you, no one who truly cared."

Clint swallowed hard, how wrong Tony was. A soft chuckle escaped his throat as he thought of the cellist, it was the lie they used whenever they met people who might not be trustworthy enough to keep their opinions to their self.

"I heard that Hawkeye and Nat worked with him for years, not constantly but often," Steve listened to the rumour mill.

"Poor, Coulson. It couldn't have been easy with someone like Barton," Stark tried to imagine it.

"Coulson was a good Agent, awkward at times but as an Agent, top class." Steve liked the man, especially the trust he had in Captain America, "I think there is no one he could not tame."

Bruce chuckled in disbelief, "I think the kid is a lost cause."

Clint squeezed his eyes shut as memories flooded his mind. Most superiors shared Bruce's opinion and assumed that he's a lost cause but not Phil.

He never figured out what it was that Phil saw in him but the older man was convinced that Barton was worth a third, fourth and fifth chance.

And in the end they all had to admit that Coulson was right, Clint was worth the time and work they invested in him.

_"I'll make a righteous man out of you Clinton if you want to or not," his bright blue eyes sparkled. That was their first meeting._

_After his first mission without complains Phil approached him, "Good," he said and patted him on the back, strongly. Clint huffed after the strong pat on the back. "Say it," he grimaced, "just say it," he gesticulated. _

_Phil grinned. "I told you so. From now on you're a righteous man Agent Barton," he walked away, Clint could hear him laugh. _

A hand on his back pulled him out of his thought and before he knew what was happening he stumbled into the living room followed by Natasha who'd pushed him.

"Changed your mind?" Tony raised a brow at Clint's deadly glare.

"Seems so," he muttered as Natasha dragged him towards the couch.

"I brought Pizza," she put them down. "Pepperoni and cheese, and mushrooms, paprika, onions."

"Thank you," Tony cheered.

"You're welcome," she sat down next to Bruce, putting a hand on his knee.

Clint felt sick at the sight. He didn't begrudge her happiness but it hurt to see them together.

The fact that Phil would be really happy for her made it a little better. She deserved it.

"Sit down, you're making me nervous," Tony bit into his pizza.

Barton got rid of his jacket before he chose a seat as far away from everyone as possible.

"Damn when did that happen?" Tony put his pizza down.

"What?" Clint frowned.

"Your arm, it's black purple mixed with blue and green," Stark got up and inspected the arm.

"Don't touch me," the archer pulled his arm away. "It's nothing, just a bruise."

"Just a bruise? Kid that looks painful and serious," Steve came over too.

"It's not serious. Nothing is broken or strained. It's just a lousy bruise," he pulled up his knees and slung his arms around them. "Don't touch me," he swatted Tony's hand away.

"Okay, okay," he raised his hands in defeat, "but you should put some ointment on it."

"Leave me be."

"How is it possible to handle a bow with such an injury," Bruce asked interested.

"Suck it up and soldier on," he turned his head in the direction of the T.V.

"That's your slogan? A little shaky don't you think?" the engineer pushed further.

"Not where I come from," his gaze remained glued to the T.V.

"And where are you from?" Cap interfered.

"Nowhere," there was a hint of honesty in the statement that took them by surprise.

"Family?" Bruce asked and got Nat's elbow in the ribs.

"Where is yours?" was the angry reply.

"Okay," Bruce grunted. "No reason to rip my head off."

"Kid, I think you should go out, search for a pretty woman and get laid. Improves your mood believe me," Tony wanted to hurt him in return.

Clint tilted his head to look at the engineer. "Maybe you should take your boyfriend and get busy."

"What?" Cap almost choke on his pizza.

"You and Tony, should screw each other and that preferably long and often. That way you keep the nose out of my business. Shouldn't be difficult to stay occupied for a few hour, Stark must have the stamina of a teenage boy the way he whored around the last few years."

"Keep your mouth shout asshole," Tony got up ready to defend his boyfriends, and his own, honour.

"I got it, it's okay for you to interfere with my life but I have to keep my mouth shut. Got it no problem. I can do that," the archer mocked.

"It's pretty obvious that you two are in a relationship, and I'm sorry Tony, but your track record is legendary," she tried to save the situation.

The older man opened his mouth just to close it again. "We should leave the boy alon,e" Cap took Tony's hand and led him out of the room. He was angry and started to hate the kid.

"Was it necessary?" Nat asked wearily.

"I can't Nat," he wasn't sure what exactly he meant, their worry? Their nosiness? His life in general? It was probably all of it.

:::::::::::::

Two months passed and missions came and gone. He got hurt almost every time, nothing serious but scratches here, bruises there. His relationship with Tony and Cap was more than chilly. Cap wanted him off the team but Nick denied his request. They had to deal with him a little longer.

"What were you thinking?" Cap pushed him against a wall, in their living room.

"I saved you," Clint replied, he wanted to keep Phil's hero safe.

"You could have died," Steve gritted out. "Jumping in front of me, catching a bullet to the hip."

"I shot him in return, we're even."

Steve couldn't believe his ears, "Can you hear yourself talking?"

"Make your point or leave me alone," the archer grew impatient, _ungrateful bastard_.

Cap took a deep calming breath, "Do you want to die so badly? Or do you want to be a hero, saving Captain America?"

"Can't you be grateful I saved you? Thank you for saving my life, maybe?"

"Is that what you want a thank you for an unnecessary risk?"

Clint pushed Cap out of the way, "Don't worry next time I'll simply let you die. But I'm not the one to tell Tony that you're dead."

"What?" realization dawned on him, he grabbed Clint's arm and pulled him closer.

Barton hissed in pain, the bullet had just grazed him but it hurt nonetheless.

"Have you lost someone, son?" his tone softened. The archer kept quiet but Cap could see the answer in his eyes, "I don't want to tell your family that you died either."

"No one's left to tell," Clint freed himself and hurried away, he ran and ran until his lungs burned like fire and his muscles felt like jelly. He stopped to get some air into his lungs as he realized that he was close to the cliff. A few more meters and he reached their spot.

Clint stood close to the edge and looked down. There was nothing but rocks and water beneath him. The view resembled his feelings.

Sharp edged memories which cut through his heart and soul with every breath he took, with every step he made. Water, the flood of emotions which threatened to drown him every minute he stopped to throw himself into a fight. Villains, the Avengers, Nat, Nick, it didn't matter with whom as long as he could focus his anger on someone else.

He was cold, and nothing seemed to warm him anymore. His heart was empty without Phil, his husband took his heart with him into his grave but therefore his mind was filled with anger. He was angry at himself, at S.H.I.E.L.D., at the world and he couldn't stop.

He gathered all his anger together and screamed at the sea. "WHY?" his posture was stiff "ahhh, ... WHY?" he sunk to the ground, breathing heavily.

"Natasha, can I talk to you for a minute," Cap approached her.

"Sure," she narrowed her eyes.

Tony joined them, he was worried by Steve's tone of voice.

"Did Clint lose someone important to him?"

"Why do you ask?" it wasn't possible that he told Steve anything about Phil. He avoided the topic like the plague.

"It was something he said that made me think that he might lost someone," he phrased carefully.

"What did he say?" she demanded to know.

"He said that I should be grateful he saved me, next time he will let me die but the main point is that he said that he does not want to be the one who has to tell Tony I deceased and he mentioned that he'd no one left," he repeated their talk.

She huffed sadly, "He was married."

"Our Hawkeye?" Tony spoke up for the first time.

"Yes."

"What happened to her?" Steve felt his heart break.

"Killed in action," Natasha rubbed her eyes, _damn emotions_.

"He wasn't always like this?" Tony gesticulated wildly as he searched for a friendly way to ask his question.

"He was always a handful but he used to be happy," she missed his friend, but he chose to hide in his room or firing range.

"Now I feel like a jerk, about the get laid comment." Tony nursed his mug.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to leash out either. He isn't like that, normally. He has a sharp tongue but he doesn't intend to hurt."

"Can we help somehow?" Cap asked.

"No," she pressed her lips together. "We can just wait and see."

"Wait for what?" Tony asked dumbly.

"If he pulls through or not."

"You're his best friend, what do you think?" Cap dreaded her answer.

"We lost him the day we buried her," she left the room. Nat needed some time alone to sort through her emotions.

::::::::::::::

"Son, come on. Open your eyes," Cap ordered. Dr. Doom had done a number on the kid.

"Come on," Tony nagged, holding an arm close to his chest. He was sure one of his ribs was broken.

"'m fin','" the archer mumbled. The large shack he used as a hideout got destroyed and collapsed like a house of cards before he got the chance to reach safety.

"Sure." Nat snorted, a shiner adorned her pretty face.

"Don't move until the paramedics say it's okay." Steve ordered, placing a hand above the archer's heart.

"I'm older than you," he gasped at the touch.

"What?"

"I'm older," Clint had difficulties to keep his eyes open.

"My body might be young but I was born years before you and I feel older and responsible for you guys," Cap encouraged their conversation.

"I understand why he adored you," he whispered.

"Who?"

"Coulson," he hid his emotions regarding Phil well.

"Yeah," a sad smile appeared on Steve's face. "He was a good person."

"Pizza is on me tonight. For our fallen friends," he tried to lighten the mood but failed miserably.

"Clint, you're in no condition to come home tonight," Tony felt like he had to say something, too.

"Home," it didn't feel right. "No," he shook his head.

"Keep still," Steve warned. "I know she's gone but it's not a reason to act childish. I lost friends too, and loved ones. Maybe even more than you," he snapped.

"Great way to keep him alive and kicking. Why don't you tell him to throw himself of a cliff while you're at it," Tony hissed into Cap's ear.

The blond man flinched. "Sorry."

Clint sighed barely audible while he closed his eyes, too tired to go on, too sad to keep fighting.

"No, no, no, kid," he heard Tony say. "Don't sleep," before he let the darkness swallow him.

::::::::::::::

"We were worried for a while," Natasha said as he opened his eyes, _alive damn it_.

"How bad is it," his throat felt like he chewed on sandpaper.

"Just a concussion and a sprained wrist, it will heal in no time. You were lucky," she gave him some water.

"Great," he mocked. "Bed rest and no action."

"You should be grateful to be alive," she chided, "they are worried about you, you know. Even though you act like an asshole."

"Love you too Nat," he closed his eyes.

"No, you will stay awake and listen to me," she poked him in the side.

"Ow," he winced, that had hurt.

"I love you like a brother and I can't watch you fade away any longer. You have to get a grip on yourself. Tony, Cap and Bruce could be your friends if you would let them in. They could help you, too. He's gone but it's not a reason to give up. He wouldn't want that, I don't want that, Nick doesn't want it. Think about it," she was angry he could see that but he couldn't bring himself to care. She eyed him for a moment before she turned around and left him.

Clint watched the ceiling for a while and remembered the times he accompanied Phil while he worked through his paperwork. He watched him from above but Phil always knew when he was near. He said he could sense him. They talked and laughed and played pranks on junior agents.

He missed this. Clint pulled out his IV and got rid of his heart rate monitor. He changed his clothes in a hurry before he vanished in the ventilation shaft. Leaving no trace behind.

He didn't leave HQ for the next two days, he had everything he needed.

Clint loved to be alone up there, he always appreciated it. Phil laughed at him for the habit and used it to tease him from time to time.

He showered in the men's room and slept in Coulson's old office. Food wasn't absolutely necessary he was trained to go on without food for a long period of time. But he stole something from the vending machine, though.

The three following days he spent at his and Phil's apartment. He couldn't sell it, even the thought felt like betrayal. He curled up on their bed and fell asleep, inhaling his lover's faded scent.

He left the bed just to get food and to use the bathroom.

::::::::::::::::::

_Natasha will be furious_, he thought while he walked back to the mansion. His wrist burned and his head ached, not to mention the bruises on his body but he would live, to his sorrow.

"Where have you been?" he was right, she was furious. What he didn't expect was that they all were furious.

"Home," he said with a hint of sorrow in his voice.

"Clint," she warned impatient. "You fled from the med unit, that was dangerous," not to mention that the beeping heart monitor gave the young nurse almost a heart attack.

"I'm fine," he said nonchalant.

"You don't look fine to me," Steve said.

"Nat, when was the last time I looked alright?" the question shut her up before she could say anything, but Steve was resistant to the desired effect.

"You can't blame everything on your dead girl, I'm sure she'd not want that for you," Cap appealed to him.

"I know, but I can't help it," he confessed.

"Have you thought about a therapy?" Tony offered the solution to most problems.

"She can't help," he had tried, to tell the truth Nick forced him, but even the shrink saw that he was a lost cause and he refused to seek out different therapists.

"You can try."

"I did try," he yelled, "and I'm here aren't I? I didn't kill myself, so tell me what more do you guys want from me? Isn't it enough I stay alive for you."

They remained silent and let him be. He stormed into his room and locked the door.


	3. I want to hate you

Everybody ignored him from then on. They didn't talk more than necessary or spent more time together then absolutely necessary.

He lost his friends, Natasha and Nick, in addition to his lover but it was for the best.

Friends meant the possibility to get hurt, he could lose one of them and that was something he wanted to avoid.

He drove them away before they could turn their backs on him or die and he pushed the Avengers away before they got too close.

_Who am I kidding I do like them even when they get on my nerves_, Clint sat on a chair close to the pool.

The last mission almost ended badly for Cap and Clint had felt something like fright at the moment the tall man hit the ground. Luckily he was just unconscious.

They all went out to a bar to celebrate their victory, he wasn't invited.

It was strange how hard it was to keep these people out of his heart. They were friendly, underneath their rough behavior and jokes. They believe in a better world and in their part on the way to a better future. Like Phil did but it hurt less to think about it.

It hurt less to look at Captain America or Stark.

"Fury called, he's coming over in about 30 minutes," Bruce informed him dryly, he nodded.

They all gathered in the backyard as they heard a helicopter.

Nick got out of the helicopter and ran in their direction, followed by three more man.

Clint stared at them, he couldn't breathe or think just stare. It wasn't possible.

"I brought a little present along," the dark man smiled as Phil approached.

He was instantly greeted with hugs and questions, they couldn't believe he was real.

"We thought you're dead," Natasha choked out.

"We had a mole, and I had to fake my own death to bring the investigation along. We figured out who sold us out more than once," he sounded apologetic.

"I'm so glad you are not dead." Steve hugged him again, he couldn't describe how happy he was.

"It was a mean trick," Tony said his eyes suspiciously wet.

"I know," Phil said gently before he turned his whole attention to Clint. The archer still stared at him until the older man held his gaze. His body moved on his own accord, he walked to Phil and punched him in the face before he turned around to leave. Cap put his arms around the archer before he got the chance to make two steps.

"Let go off me," Clint hissed but Steve did not. "How dare you?" Cap hissed in anger.

"Clint." Phil tried to reach him, wiping blood from his split lip.

"No, no," he raged and Cap had to tighten his hold on Barton to prevent him from attacking their friend. "Slow down Barton, or I have to hurt you."

"Please, Clint listen."

"I SAID NO," he struggled against Cap's grip he wanted to leave, to run as far as he could.

"Clint, listen to me."

"No, no," he whispered, giving up his struggle. Steve loosened his hold and Clint used the chance to elbow him in the rib before he escaped.

"Agent Barton, stop," Phil yelled.

Clint didn't turn around. "Clinton wait," he froze.

He felt how all eyes were on him. "WHY?" he turned around. "I don't listen to your orders anymore!"

"Let me explain," Phil felt a stabbing pain in his heart.

"What is there to explain? You faked your death, letting us believe you're dead. WE BURIED YOUR FOR GOD'S SAKE AND YOU KNEW IT ALL ALONG," the last part was directed at Nick.

Tears found their way into Phil's eyes. "I'm SORRY."

"Yeah me too," tears slid down his too pale face.

"Don't run please," he gave Nick a curt nod before he walked over to Clint.

"Don't make such a ruckus, we all missed him and feel some kind of anger but you should be relieved," Tony spread his arms. The others nodded, except Natasha.

"YEAH?" he yelled at Tony, "but you're not the one married to him" Clint spat. He was greeted by stunned silence.

The words hit Phil hard. He knew the mission was harsh but he'd hoped their reunion would be less messy.

The older man approached him slowly, searching for signs he might run. "I can't put into words how sorry I am," he sniffed, reaching out for his partner.

Clint clenched his jaw, fighting against the sobs which desperately tried to escape. "You left," he whispered finally.

"I know," Coulson pulled his lover into a tight hug. "Hush my love," he stroke the back of Clint's head, placing butterfly kissed on his temple and cheek. "I'm so sorry."

Barton's knees gave out under him and Phil guided him to the ground. "Weep all you want. Don' be ashamed."

"They gave me your gun and your bloody shirt," he whispered against Phil's chest. "They told me you're gone. Suddenly, I was alone. No family, no home, no life and here you are."

"I had no choice," Phil swallowed hard. "The mole took many lives with his work. Someone had to do it and they approached me."

"Why did you say yes?" he knew the answer.

"Because I believed in the cause."

"Your beliefs," he laughed almost hysterically while he pushed Phil away. "I can't stand to be near Cap since your demise because of your beliefs. He and the Avengers represent everything you believe in, and they had to put me on the team I dreaded most. Your beliefs, got you almost killed during Loki's attack, they got you almost killed a week before we married, they got you almost killed as you tried to save my sorry ass from Deadpool."

"Calm down love," panic crept into Phil's heart.

"Nice to know where my place is," he wiped his tears angrily away. "I thought I meant something to you, you old fool. Why did I fall in love with you of all people?!"

"You don't mean it." Phil knew he deserved it but it pained him to hear it, "tell me you don't mean it."

"I know you love your job, and I know you dream of a better future and that's okay but I'm obviously not a part of it. I'm not part of your world. What am I Phil? Why did you marry me? Because you needed someone to fuck? Somebody who was always close enough and willing? Were you lonely? The love sick archer will do, right?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Coulson snapped, he felt sick and it was hard to breath. "All we have is real. I love you more than anything."

"I thought that too, and until twenty minutes ago I would have agreed but not anymore," he got up. "S.H.I.E.L.D. got plenty Agents without family, one of them could have done that."

There was nothing Phil could say, Clint was right. Of course he was right.

The last few months were hell for him and he couldn't imagine how it must have been for Clint. It must have been torture.

He thought Clint would understand why he did what he did and that they would be fine after a little fight but he did not estimate such a fallout.

"See." Clint turned around to leave, "there's nothing to deny," he left.

"You can blame the whole fiasco on me," Nick appeared behind his friend.

"Too late." Phil dug his finger into the dirt, "I lost him."

"Give him some time." Nick put a hand on his shoulder, "he has every right to be angry, what did you expect?"

"Not such a drama," he lowered his gaze. "You withheld information from me, Nick," his friend said Clint was sad but more or less fine but that was obvious a lie. The archer looked terrible.

"There was nothing you could have done."

::::::::::::::::

They spent the evening together in the living room. Clint wasn't there with them he had vanished shortly after their fight.

"He pushed you away?" Phil was surprised, Clint was normally good at it to twist people around his little finger.

"Yeah, isn't the same anymore." Natasha hugged her knees, "you took him with you, the day you died."

"It wasn't my intention," Phil rubbed his forehead. "I have no idea how to make it right."

"Show him how much you love him, that he's your number one priority." Cap said, he was angry at S.H.I.E.L.D. for hurting them and he was angry at them for treating Clint that way.

"You destroyed everything you worked so hard for to rebuild," Natasha interfered. "You know how scared he his."

Tony and Bruce looked confused. "He said he was alone," Cap said to no one in particular.

"He doesn't have a family. His father was a drunk and killed his mother and himself. They sent him and his brother to an orphanage because they hadn't relatives. After a few years of abuse they ran away. They found refuge in a fair. They took them in and trained them.

They betrayed Clint's trust and tried to kill him. His brother turned his back on him and vanished. He came back years later just to kill his little brother, Clint took his brother's life to save himself. He lived on the streets when we found him, he was a criminal." Phil remembered, "Nat, Nick and I are everything he has left and we worked very hard to get through his defense."

"He saved my life years ago," she smiled, "he's my hero. I think I reminded him of how his life had been and he made it his task to protect and train me."

"He's a good kid." Tony said out loud, "but his heart is full of anger. He reminds me of myself when I was younger."

"We should look for him, it's getting cold and it will start to rain pretty soon," Cap got up and grabbed his jacket, "we should split up. Phil, stays here in case he returns."

The Agent nodded, he told them a few places where Clint could hide before they went.

After a long time on the couch he needed something else to do so he decided to look for Clint's room. It was located near the living room, it was spacious enough for two people to live there.

What shocked him most was the emptiness of the room. Clint was not neat, his clothes lay around, books on almost every desk but that was Clint before he left.

The room he stood in was almost sterile.

He spotted a picture on the nightstand, the only evidence that someone lived in the room.

"Our wedding," Phil mumbled to himself as he took the picture into his hands. They were both smiling at the camera, wearing black suits and white dress shirts.

It had been funny to see Clint in a suit, he avoided to wear them every way possible but for their wedding he made an exception.

Clint let Natasha choose the suit and kept it hidden from Phil, the archer told him that he wasn't permitted to see the groom in his suit before the wedding.

Phil smiled at the memory and put the picture down. He looked into the dresser and took a look at the wardrobe.

One of his jumpers hung next to Clint's clothes and his favorite tie, the archer had called him stupid because he favored one black tie more than the other, even though they were all the same in his opinion. Truth was they were not, Clint gave him the tie this made a big difference.

A box at the bottom of the wardrobe caught his eye. He took it and went to the bed.

Phil held his breath as he opened the box and a wave of nausea rushed through his stomach.

The box contained the bloody shirt they left behind for the rescue team to find.

On top of the neatly folded shirt lay his gun, little trickles of his blood on the butt.

In addition to the shirt and gun, the box contained more photos, Phil's favorite book and his sunglasses.

Coulson buried his face in his hands. "What have I done," he finally understood the whole impact of the mission. "What have I done to you?"

:::::::::::::

"We can't find him," Cap informed the Agent.

"We searched everywhere but he vanished without a trace," Bruce crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"He isn't at your apartment or... grave," Natasha looked thoughtful, she couldn't shake of the feeling that she missed something.

"I know where he is," there was only one place left. Phil took his jacket and rushed out of the building.

"Good luck," Tony called after him before he demanded answers from Natasha.

Phil sighed with relief as he spotted his lover from afar, he could bite his behind for not thinking of it sooner.

It started to rain shortly after he left the mansion to look for his archer, and here he was kneeling in a puddle of mud, close to the edge.

The older man stopped behind the archer, not ready to say anything.

Clint knew his lover was there, he heard his footsteps and felt his eyes on his back, "I came here the day after we buried you."

Clint took him by surprise. "You love this place," he said dumbly.

"No, I love the memories I have about this place," it wasn't the same without Phil, nothing was the same.

"I can't say how sorry I am," he truly was.

"I can't stop loving you." Clint lowered his gaze, looking at the waves.

"I know," Phil gathered all his courage to pull Clint against his chest and away from the edge.

Clint flinched as his back made contact with Phil's chest, "As much as I hate you for what you did... I-I can't ... I can't stop imagine my life without you and it hurts. I want to hate you with all I have, I want to leave you, I want to pay you back for what you did... but I can't. Because I'm so damn happy that you're here."

"I love you too," Phil tightened his embrace, "and I will never pull a stunt like this again. I wasn't thinking but that will not happen again."

"Damn straight or I'll shoot you myself," the archer whispered. "All this time I blamed myself for not acting. I followed orders for once and got you killed."

"There was nothing you could have done," Clint's body temperature was worrying low, he just wore a shirt.

"I didn't know that," his teeth chattered but he didn't seem to mind, "all I had was your blood."

Phil squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn't bear it, "Let's go back and talk there, you're freezing."

"You're lucky I'm still alive. I desperately tried to get myself killed but villains aren't what they used to be," Clint muttered.

Phil's heart stopped for a shocking moment, "Clint."

"The shrink feared for my life that's why Nick made me an Avenger. They take care of their own. I fought them but they never stopped to care."

"Nick said you're doing okay. He said you're grieving but on your way back to normal," Phil was angry at his friend and himself for believing him.

He should have known better.

"I believed him when he said you're dead, now we're even." Clint tilted his head back until it rested against Phil's shoulder, "I realized that life is meaningless without you."

"I missed you too. So much," he kissed the side of Clint's head. "Everyday was dull without your smile. Let us go back, please," Phil forced Clint to stand up.

The archer turned around, his eyes were red and puffy, there was no life left in his eyes.

"You are real, aren't you?" he reached out to cup Phil's cheek with his hand.

The older Agent leaned into the touch, "I am real, and I will never leave again."

A small smile appeared on Clint's face, the view gave Phil some hope. "Let's go," he took the younger man's arm and lead him back to the mansion.

::::::::::::::::::::

Their fellow teammates watched them as they entered the house but they kept their distance to show their respect. It wasn't on them to fix it.

"Undress," Phil ordered while he searched for warm clothes but Clint didn't move.

Phil realized that Clint's lips were blue and his skin deadly white. "Let me help," he undressed his lover and dragged him into the bathroom.

"Wait a moment," he got fresh clothes for both of them. Phil turned on the shower before he got rid of his own wet clothes. "Come," he grabbed Clint's wrist and pulled him with him into the shower.

The archer winced as the warm water made contact with his cold skin, "hurt," he muttered under his breath.

"I know but we have to warm you up." Phil enclosed the younger man in his arms, rubbing a hand over his back. It felt awesome to feel his lover's skin against his own, he had missed that. He dreamed of Clint every night and fantasized about him during the day, whenever the case gave him time to think. It felt so good to have him close, "I love you, never doubt that."

"Never doubted your love, I knew who you are before I married you and that didn't stop me.

I just thought you would share something like that with me, instead of going behind my back. Letting me suffer," but it was okay, Phil was back and everything would be okay.

"Never again, I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Clint clung to Phil, "I know you have to do what they tell you and I know you do what you believe is right. It's okay."

"Nothing is okay but it will be," Phil assured and felt how Clint relaxed.

The older agent helped Clint to dress after their shower. Thick socks, sweatpants and Phil's favorite jumper, "Now move your ass to the bed."

"Charming," a little grin graced Clint's lips before he left the bathroom. The archer got into bed and pulled the blanket up to his nose, he was still cold.

Phil eyed his lover for a moment before he joined him. "Come here," he opened his arms to invite Clint into his arms.

Clint snuggled closer and buried his face in the crook of Phil's neck, inhaling his lover's scent. He was back, the love of his life was back, alive and sorry. That was enough for Clint. "Belated happy third anniversary," he shivered.

Fresh tears slid down Phil's face, he had missed their anniversary. Leaving his lover alone with the 'knowledge' that he was dead, celebrating their anniversary most probably at the cliff or at his grave. The thought was terrible and he gave in the urge to kiss his lover.

Feeling Clint's warmth against his mouth was breathtaking, Clint tasted so good. "Not tonight," he panted. "You need your rest," he took Clint's stray hand and guided their intertwined fingers to his chest, giving Clint the opportunity to feel his heartbeat. "Now sleep and get all the rest you deserve."

Clint fell asleep almost immediately.

He hasn't slept in ages, Phil thought while he watched his lover sleep.

Clint was pale, dark shadows under his eyes and he was a little thinner not much but Phil could see.

He saw anything.

The lines of worry on his face, a new scar on his neck, among others. "First thing in the morning I take a look at your medical file," he whispered to himself.

Just as he was ready to fall asleep, too, a whimper jerked him fully awake. "Clint."

The younger man got a slight seizure, it seemed to be more like a panic attack. His hand which lay on top of Phil's chest shook, sweat dripped down the archer's neck. "Phil," he cried out in his sleep.

Phil sat up immediately as he realized what was happening. "Clint, wake up. I'm here," he pulled Clint into an upright position and took him into his arms. "I'm here."

"Phil?" he blinked slowly, still not fully awake but trembling like an aspen leaf.

"I'm here, it's okay. I'm here," Phil assured.

Clint rocked slightly back and forth within Phil's arms, worrying the older man even more "Dreamt you died," the younger man said apathetically.

"That's it," Phil grunted. "Get up, love," he turned on the light and helped Clint out of their bed.

It wasn't easy to get them both dressed but he did it. "We pay Julian a visit," he said after Clint calmed down a little.

"Why?" he didn't want to go.

"Because I know where your state will lead to," he saw it once a few years back and it ended almost badly.

"But I don't need Julian," Clint was just tired and his nightmare gave him a scare, _what is Phil's problem?_

"Do I need to remind you of Barney?" _or_ _the death of your parents, or the death of your first partner?_ Phil stumbled about Clint's brush with depression and adaptive disorder when he got the archer's file the day they became a team, Clint was too far-seeing to give the true extent of his mental state away. "God you're burning up," his lover's skin was clammy and hot.

"I'm not depressive, leave me alone," he said weakly.

"Maybe not but something is definitely wrong." Phil grabbed his car keys and ordered Clint to follow him. Chiding himself for not realizing it sooner.

::::::::::::::::

"Are they still asleep?" Tony rubbed his eyes as he entered the kitchen.

"I think so," Natasha brewed coffee, "they have a lot to catch up on."

A dirty grin appeared on Tony's face, "Imagine other men while you think I'm not around?" Cap's voice appeared to his right.

"Nope." Stark smiled slyly, "thought of you."

"No you didn't." Steve patted him on the back before he headed for the coffee machine, grimacing at the deep black liquid. Black widows coffee was as deadly as her reputation.

"Bruce still asleep?" Rogers decided to drink milk instead of the coffee.

"Did you wear him out?" Stark couldn't help it, he had a reputation to preserve.

"Actually no," she was too agitated for sex, so they decided to cuddle instead. Not as if Black widow was a cuddler or the big green guy.

"I still can't believe Clint is married to Phil. He seemed so indifferent during the funeral," Rogers mused.

"Clint is not good with emotions. He isn't able to cope the way we do. I don't know why but it's the way it is," Natasha drank her coffee. "People say he was really, really sassy and unsocial before Coulson took him in. I don't know what they have done to him, because I wasn't with S.H.I.E.L.D back then but it must have been something drastic. Love alone does not change your whole social behavior."

Nick's protective streak is the only reason we are Avengers since Phil's 'demise'. Both of them adore him, no matter what. It's scary"

"Kinda hard not to adore him," Tony mumbled.

"I knew it. I'm not the only one here to take a liking on him," Steve grinned, Tony always told him what a nuisance the kid was.

"The kid did everything to protect you, I was a little jealous at times."

"Phil adores Captain America," Nat stated. "Giving up Captain America would have meant giving up on Phil's dreams."

"It must have been so hard," Tony mused, he couldn't imagine losing Steve. His heart constricted painfully at the thought.

The buzzing of Nat's phone put an end to their conversation. "Yeah?" her face fell as she proceeded the information. "When did...," she hurried out of the kitchen and stormed into Clint's room, packing a bag as fast she could. Tony and Steve had followed her into the room in hope to get answers. To their surprise the room was empty. The bed was unmade and pajamas lay on the ground.

"I'm on my way," she put her phone away. "Hurry if you want to come along," they obeyed.

"Natasha talk to us," Steve asked after they left Stark's property.

"I should have known," she hissed. "Clint had a break down and Phil dragged his sorry ass to Julian," Nat added after a long pause.

"Who is Julian?" Tony wasn't sure if he really wanted an answer to his question.

"He's bad news," she gripped the steering wheel tighter. "He's S.H.I.E.L.D's head psychiatrist. I heard his therapy sessions are long and hard. He breaks you and rebuilds your mind afterwards, he has access to meds the world knows nothing about. They say he can almost cure every mental disease. Normally he attends to Agents with PTSD and depression and the like," she sighed deeply, "and if you want to get information out of a prisoner Julian is the first they call."

"He's an psychiatrist / torturer?!" Tony gasped in disbelieve.

"I'm lucky enough not to know the truth because I never met him in person but people talk a lot," she was scared for Clint. "Why has he taken him to Julian?"

"Maybe Phil trusts him," Steve offered an explanation.

"That explains what happened to Clint all those years ago," she shuddered at the thought.

"You mean Clint knows Julian," Tony did not like the thought that the archer might be in the hands of a psychopath.

"Time to find answers," Cap said while they entered the parking lot of HQ.

:::::::::::::::::

"Where can we find Agent Barton?" Steve asked a friendly looking nurse.

"Room P7," she answered, "but I think Dr. McMillan is still with him."

"Thank you," Cap said polite.

"P7?" Tony never heard that before and he was often at the medic department.

"Room 7 at the psychiatric ward," Natasha explained.

"Didn't know you had one," Tony looked around.

"It's not exactly an extra department, they just have their own rooms here," Natasha was there once for her evaluation check after she joined S.H.I.E.L.D.

"Here we are," Cap knocked gently, Phil opened the door and slipped out of the room.

"Bringing the whole gang along?" he joked but he seemed tired.

"Wasn't in the mood to argue," Natasha shrugged.

"Not in the mood?" Tony raised a brow. "You weren't able to think straight at all."

Phil chuckled. "That's the big sister complex she developed over the years," black widow was very much in control of herself but she tended to freak out whenever Clint, or even Phil himself, were in danger. Mostly she hid it well and you had to know her to notice but on days she was already riled up it showed through her facade.

"How is he?" Steve asked finally.

"It was just a panic attack, triggered by a nightmare." Phil seemed even more tired than moments before.

They sighed with relief. "But why has he to stay here for one more day?" Natasha remembered the bag she held.

"His immune system is weakened because of the stress I put him through and he developed a high fever and his airways are affected. They just want to make sure he does not develops pneumonia. They start with his treatment and we will continue from tomorrow evening on to force his meds on him," Phil would be very persistent this time. Clint hated meds as much as he hated the medical department.

"Sounds like fun," Natasha groaned.

"Not a model patient then?" Tony could relate to Clint's dislike for medical treatment.

"He's infamous." Phil pursed his lips, taking a deep breath. "I'm not sure how to make him stay the next 24 hours."

"We keep watch," Natasha smiled. "4 against 1, and after I called Bruce we're even 5."

"Deal, he can't flee while we watch," Steve agreed.

"Oh, he can." Phil tilted his head a little while he remembered Clint's last escape, "We just have to keep him busy."

"What do you mean he can?" Tony frowned, it wasn't possible to escape 5 people without physical harm and when he wasn't completely mistaken Clint wasn't such kind of guy.

Phil raised a hand and pointed with his index finger at the ceiling, "Ventilation shaft."

"What does the ventilation shaft have to do with his escape?" Steve studied the ceiling.

"He's practically living up there," Natasha explained. "He likes to be alone most of the time, but he likes to have people around at the same time. He loves to observe the terrain. The first thing during a job for example, is looking for a nest. How do you think he escaped a few weeks ago without leaving a trace?"

She briefed Phil shortly as she saw the confusion.

"So he distracts you, gets up there and vanishes," Tony tried to come up with a plan.

"Yes." Phil sighed, "What have I done Nat?"

"You had your orders," she brushed her shoulder against his, to offer some comfort.

"He was right," the older Agent said, "we have many Agents without a family of their own."

"But they chose you," Nat looked at Steve for help.

"I could have turned the offer down, I could have told him about it," Phil mused.

"It's too late for what ifs," Steve said, "but you can learn from your mistake and prevent to make the same mistakes in the future."

"You sound just like him," Phil's gaze was glassy.

"See, he's smart," Tony praised.

"He forgave me because I am who I am," he smiled sadly. "He said he wants to hate me but he can't 'cause he is happy I'm alive."

"I know how he feels," Natasha said, "the only difference is that his feelings are way more intense."

"You dislike me, too?"

"You faked your death, leaving us behind, of course I feel some hate but I love you too much to act on it," she clarified.

"I crushed his trust," he rubbed his temple.

"Shouldn't be too hard to rebuild." Steve was sure, "but I think you have to live with a few angry outburst in the near future."

"He didn't do that for a long time," he remembered the angry man they forced on him.

"He's normally very controlled. Watching, thinking and acts when he feels he has to," that was the Hawkeye Natasha knew.

"Doesn't sound like the guy we got to know," Tony wasn't wrong.

"Julian taught him how to control his anger and use it to his advantage," Phil kept a close eye on Julian during that time to make sure Clint was alright.

"The rumors we heard about him are less than satisfying," Steve looked thoughtful.

"They are true." Phil confessed, "but he isn't a monster. He does what he has to in order to fulfill his assignment. He likes Clint well enough to be careful."

"And he's scared enough of Nick and you to handle him like glass," a nurse smirked before she passed them to enter Clint's room.

"Uh-hu." Tony couldn't suppress a smirk.

"That's just a rumor, too." Coulson shrugged, that was clearly a lie but they didn't point it out.

After a long moment of silence Phil spoke up, "I owe you guys a thank you."

"Why?" Steve frowned.

"For keeping my husband alive."

"We didn't do anything," Tony chimed in.

"Nick transferred him to you because you care for other people. And that's what Clint needed most. Nick knew you wouldn't let us down, and he was right. That's why I owe you," Phil held Steve's gaze.

"You're welcome," Cap said finally. They didn't deserve Coulson's trust. They ignored the kid and the only reason they watched him was because they didn't knew if he was a treat or not, mixed with pity.

Nick must have kept Cap's request to transfer Clint a secret.

"I got used to him, even his angry, don't you dare talk to me, self." Tony confessed.

"He can stay if he wants to." Steve offered, he felt like they owed the kid.

"I think it's by far more fun than black ops." Phil nodded, "and he's as safe as one can be in our line of work."

"Black ops is S.H.I.E.L.D.'s special unit right?" Tony had found a few classified files while he spied on their new allies.

"Let me put it this way. You guys are our daytime model heroes and black ops does anything behind the scene, far away from public view." Phil knew Tony would hack their system again, no matter what he said.

"You're right he's safer with us." Steve agreed, he just hoped the stories were true and he wasn't such a pain in the arse with Coulson around.

"Phil," the door to Clint's room opened and an elderly man exited, he was around 6 feet tall, his hair was dark with white strands, his eyes were blue and warm.

"How's he doing?" the Agent asked.

"He's asleep, I keep him sedated for a while. He needs rest, what worries me is his fever but with some luck it will break soon. His inner turmoil weakened his immune system and makes him prone to infections," the explanation was meant for Barton's fellow teammates, "but it's nothing plenty of rest and affection can't cure."

"Thank you doctor," Steve nodded.

"I gave him some Serum 112," he added for Phil's information.

"Was it really necessary?"

"Just a precaution," Julian said.

"What's Serum 112?" Tony never heard of it before.

"It affects the chemistry in Barton's brain, to ease some of his fears. It calms him down and offers... some comfort," the doc explained.

"You toy with his brain?" Steve was angry, no one had the right to interfere with emotions.

"We inject Agents with Serum 112, while they suffer from PTSD just to send them back into the field, immediately after the injection," he pointed out the fact. "He can call himself lucky not to be one of them."

"It's unethical and irresponsible," Steve hissed, problems had to be solved and not... obliterated.

"It keeps our Agents alive," he stated simply. "I can live with that," McMillan bid goodbye.

"Coulson," Steve was in a don't mess with me mood.

"Don't even start Mr. Rogers," Phil dismissed him. "Every Agent has experiences with one drug or another," he turned around and entered Clint's room.

"Hey, Hawkeye," he said to the sleeping man. "Seems like we're stuck in here again," Phil got into bed with Clint. "We need bigger beds," he muttered under his breath as he tried not to fall off the bed.

"How often?" Tony dragged a chair closer to Clint's bed.

"Often." Natasha snorted, "You guys are regulars, too, and you have to bear in mind that we're doing this far longer than you."

"Often it is," Tony made himself comfortable.

"He looks awful," Cap occupied a chair next to Tony. His skin was flushed, sweaty hair was plastered to his clammy skin.

"Still pretty." Phil argued, gently caressing Clint's belly.

They watched over Clint for hours before the drug wore off, not taking shifts like they intended to do. No one had the heart to leave them alone for long.


	4. Love rules

"You have to eat." Phil prepared soup, "Or I'll send you back to the hospital."

"Okay, okay," Clint surrendered. "Food and meds, I got it."

"Attaboy," Phil sat down next to him.

"Can you pass me the bread?" the archer hated soup, the salty taste of the broth made his stomach churn.

"Sure," the older man eyed his husband, his skin was still slightly flushed and clammy but the bags under his eyes faded.

"When are you going back to work?"

"In three days." Nick gave him a few days to reconnect with Clint.

"Any assignments I should prepare myself for. Just yes or no," he knew regulation forbade to speak about classified assignments.

"No." Phil felt his heart pound in his chest, "Never again."

Clint snorted, "You know as well as I do that is not an option."

"I can reject offers."

"But it's not like you." Clint shook his head, "and they would end your career."

Coulson shrugged. "Doesn't matter," he meant it.

"It matters to me," was all he had to say regarding the matter. "What will happen with me?"

"You will remain an Avenger if you want to," the older Agent gulped his coffee down.

"I don't think they're eager to keep me."

"They do." Phil smiled, wondering how Clint did it. Twisting people around his finger without being nice. It didn't work on superiors but just because they wanted to avoid trouble. They sent him away to spare themselves the extra work.

"Don't think so," he huffed.

"Steve said so himself. You're welcome to stay."

"You mean that?" the archer frowned. His lover nodded.

"New charity case." Clint muttered, but he couldn't deny that he was glad. They were good people.

"Not a charity case a potential new friend," the turmoil in Clint's eyes tore on his heart. It was his fault.

"Can we go home?" he liked the mansion but it wasn't his home. Phil's apartment was home.

"You kept it?" he shouldn't be surprised, Clint was sensitive.

"Couldn't sell it," he confessed, "even though I couldn't bear the memories"

Phil caressed Clint's cheek, "Finish your soup, take your meds and then we will go home."

Coulson forced Clint to take a nap on the couch while he gathered their stuff together.

The archer looked like death warmed over.

"What are you doing?" Tony stood in the door way to Clint's room.

"We're going home," the Agent replied.

"You can stay here," the more the merrier.

Phil smiled at Stark but shook head, "He wants to go home."

"Where is home?"

"A 90m² flat on the other side of town," was the reply.

"You have to invite us once things calmed down." Tony smirked, they were part of the team after all.

"So you can satisfy your curiosity?!" Phil mirrored his smirk.

"Busted." Stark placed a hand above his heart.

"Thought so." Phil closed the bag on the bed, "See you on Monday. I'm your new handler, your only handler."

"I'm glad Agent Coulson," he was glad the man was alive, he was glad he was now officially part of the team and he was glad people like Coulson existed.

"Me too," he bid goodbye and took his husband home.

:::::::::::::::::

Clint returned to his duties a week after Phil. They still had issues and Clint was everything but forgiving even when he said otherwise but his actions and looks told a different story.

He didn't trust Phil to come home at night, giving him relieved glances every time he entered their apartment.

Nightmares haunted the archer most of the nights and there was nothing Phil could do but hold him during the night and promise not to leave.

"Ready?" Phil's voice echoed in his ear, how he had missed this. Phil's voice constantly in his ear during a mission. His nagging, swearing and his praise.

"Found a nest. Third building to your right, sir," he didn't take his eyes off of the mark but he could feel that Phil was looking at the building.

"Good, intervene in case they can't make it on their own."

"Yes, sir." Phil sighed deeply, he loved to hear Clint's voice. He needed to hear him, it was the only way to know he was still alive. The archer always hid somewhere where no one would find him immediately. Not even his allies. The first months they worked together he was constantly worried the archer got killed and they didn't notice. It was easy for a foe to take him out because he was out of sight.

So he made the order to keep the line open between them. Not talking more than necessary but just to hear him breath was enough to know he was fine.

"DUCK," hollered a voice in his ear and his instincts took over. He took cover just barely escaping a bullet. The gunman dropped to the ground, an arrow sticking out of his chest.

"I'm fine," Phil answered Clint's unasked question. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Clint fired more arrows in the direction of Iron man's attackers.

"Situation under control," Steve informed after Hulk threw his opponent through a brick wall.

"Time to clean up then," Phil ordered his Agents around.

"So it isn't just a rumor that you can follow regulation," Iron man opened his helmet.

"Good work Clint." Steve praised, it was actually the first time he heard Clint's voice via his headphone.

The archer nodded but remained silent.

"That was a close call Phil," Steve patted Coulson on the back.

"It wasn't," he denied.

"Wasn't?" Tony's brows raised to his hairline .

"Hawkeye had my back," he stated matter of factly.

"The bullet almost hit you," Tony pointed out.

"But it didn't."

"We have to leave," Hawkeye interrupted.

Phil looked at his watch and groaned, they had a meeting with Nick in twenty minutes. "Nick's awaiting us," was all he said before they left.

"He's a model Agent around Coulson," Bruce said out loud what they all thought.

"Would spare us a lot of trouble if he could behave without him," Maria and her cleaning crew approached.

"Speaking from experience?" Tony joked.

She grimaced. "Yeah," the man was a nuisance but he could be adorable in private.

"You have to tell us about it eventually," Stark was fishing for information.

"Better not," she shook her head, Coulson would kill her for offending Barton.

"Scared?" it was meant as a joke but they could see that Tony hit a sore spot.

"I want to live a little longer," she turned around and gave out orders.

"Interesting."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Leave it," it was better for all of them.

Bruce was on his way to meet Fury as a loud voice attracted his attention. It was coming from Phil's office.

"What were you thinking?" it was Clint.

"I had to protect her," Phil stated calmly.

"You almost got yourself killed," the archer raged.

"I protected her," he repeated.

"I was closer." Clint took deep breaths, "It wasn't necessary for you to run through a hail of bullets."

"You had other problems."

"Such as?"

"Taking them out." Phil was moving on thin, thin ice.

"You could have provided coverage while I got her to safety, you had five more Agents with you. Don't tell me they couldn't take them out and back me up," Clint argued.

"I had just seconds to decide what to do and that was the result."

"You don't want to understand, do you." Barton raised his hands in an aggressive manner, not that he would ever hurt Phil.

The archer turned around and hit the wall, leaving droplets of blood behind.

"You said you love me the way I am," Phil almost whispered.

That got Clint's attention and some of his rage faded away, "I do." Phil moved closer until he could put his arms around Clint's waist from behind. The older Agent rested his forehead against Clint's broad back, inhaling his lover's scent. "It's okay," he whispered.

"Don't do that again," he placed his damaged hand on top of Phil's.

"And put you in danger instead? That will not happen," Coulson was serious. Clint would do the same and they both knew it.

Bruce left as quiet as he could, he wasn't meant to see their dispute.

After the meeting with Fury he would search Natasha.

His girlfriend needed to know.

::::::::::::::::::

They had many angry outbursts during the following months but they began to be more honest with each other while they yelled at each other. Mostly Clint was the one yelling.

Phil never bothered to explain why he did what he did but since he started to do exactly that, like Julian had suggested, their relationship improved.

It was almost as it had been before.

"Good morning," Phil kissed Clint's neck.

"'morning," he turned his head to kiss Phil on the lips. "I hope you're hungry."

"Smells delicious," the older Agent smiled lovingly.

"It is," he said self-confident. "Now sit down and eat."

"Is that your kind of revenge for the times I fussed over you?"

"Apart from the meds. Yeah," his eyes gleamed with mischief.

"Oh-oh," Phil enjoyed his eggs. "You have a plan."

"I want to see the Bourne legacy and thought you might want to accompany me."

"Sure, the main actor is hot," Phil joked.

"Uh-hu. I see, you don't desire sex tonight," Clint gave his best to sound serious.

"No one is sexier than you," Phil praised, "Well build, sexy voice and highly intelligent."

"Flattery will get you nowhere Agent Coulson," Clint waved with the spatula, "but we will see, maybe I have some mercy."

"I hope so." Coulson grinned, his trousers painfully tight around his groin.

"You can't wait until tonight, can you?" Clint laughed out loud, he knew that look. "You're horny like a teenager," he sat down on Phil's lap, opening the other man's trousers.

"Say you love me," the archer breathed against Phil's lips.

"I love you more than anything," his breath hitched as Clint slid one hand into his boxers. The warmth around his manhood was breathtaking.

"Phil," Clint stroke him hard.

The older Agent panted not able to speak. Clint had one arm around his shoulder while the other hand had a firm grip around his cock. Their kisses were sweet and Clint's movements against his body sent an unbearable friction through his body.

Phil came with a muffled cry, silenced by Clint's soft lips.

"Oh god." Phil tried to catch his breath, he can't remember the last time he came so hard from a hand job. His whole lower body seemed to spasm. "Let me return the favor," he offered while he pressed Clint against his body.

"Your hot when your aroused, my little problem down there solved itself," they hadn't had sex for ages. "I missed your body against mine. The way you moan and pant, calling out my name. Writhing against my skin."

"Let's move it to the bed," Phil ordered and Clint could feel his lover harden again. He really was a big teenager, Clint chuckled.

Their second round was a little less gentle. They had two ways to love each other.

Slow and gentle or rough including a little spanking, scratching, biting and pulling on hair.

They were on their way home as Natasha called to invite them to join her and the Avengers to get a drink.

"Coulson," Tony yelled and waved as they entered the club. The music was loud and the club filled to overflowing.

"Nice you could make it," Nat smiled.

"It's the first time I see you without your suit. I thought you don't own anything else," Tony joked, Coulson wore jeans and a tight white dress shirt. Barton looked good too, wearing jeans and a tight black, short sleeved shirt.

They were so different but at the same time so alike when they stood so close together.

Barton was possessive, Tony noted. The way he put his arm around Coulson was unmistakable.

Clint whispered something into his partner's ear before he left for the bar.

"Thanks for the invitation," Phil smiled while his eyes followed Clint's every move.

Seemed Barton wasn't the only one with jealousy issues, Tony grinned.

"We deserve some fun," Tony sipped on his soda.

"How are you doing?" Bruce asked, they barely saw them outside the job.

"Great," Phil said. "Everything is back to normal."

"Thank god," Nat sighed, "You had me worried."

"We're fine," he repeated.

"Here." Clint sat down next to Phil, offering him his drink.

It was cute how Clint knew exactly what his lover liked to drink.

"So still all lovey-dovey?" Clint asked nonchalantly.

Bruce had a hard time not to choke on his drink while Natasha blushed furiously. "CLINT," she screeched.

"What? It's a simple question. I hope your rooms are soundproof," he looked at Tony.

"They are," he chuckled.

"Would be embarrassing to hear sounds from every room in the house," Clint smiled slyly. Coulson's lips twitched while he tried not to laugh but his eyes gave him away.

Steve knocked his bottle down and Tony covered his embarrassment with a naughty smirk but his ears turned pink nonetheless.

"Barton," Steve choked out, "it's none of your business."

The archer laughed out loud enjoying their shame.

Tony wanted payback, "Shagging much now that you are together again?"

"Hell yeah." Clint beamed, not ashamed at all. Tony's gaze wandered to Coulson and to his surprise the man wore a smug expression on his face, not sorry at all.

"Our sex life is very healthy Mr. Stark thanks for asking," he reached out for Clint to pull his collar down a little, revealing a flashy bite mark on the archer's collarbone.

Clint gave them a funny look before he lifted Phil's shirt up to reveal a well trained belly and scratch marks.

"TMI...TMI...TMI," Nat put her hands over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to get her naughty mind under control. "Great now I wet my panties," she muttered under her breath.

Steve, Tony and Bruce decided to drop the topic. S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were downright naughty.

"Want to dance?" Clint asked cheerful. Phil grinned and took Clint's hand, they wore their wedding bands that night. "Come on kiddo."

"I want the old Hawkeye back, this one is even more scary," Tony grimaced.

Black widow laughed. "That was nothing," she grabbed Bruce's hand and dragged him to the dance floor.

"We are screwed," Steve groaned earning a surprised look from Tony. "Watch your language Captain America," and mature as Steve can be at times he stuck his tongue out.

:::::::::::::::

Phil enjoyed his dance with Clint, he couldn't remember when the last time had been they danced.

It seemed so long ago.

Clint was obviously in a very good mood, his smile reached his eyes and he looked relaxed.

"What are you thinking about?" he leaned closer so Phil could hear him.

"You," the Agent smiled back. "It's always you."

"Nice to know," Clint hooked his fingers in Phil's belt loop to pull him closer as the song changed.

It was a love song with a relatively slow tact. "I love you," he needed to say it, and he would do it again and again and again until Phil understood that he was not replaceable.

"Love you, too." Phil seemed content and relaxed, grinning in delight as he put his arms around Clint's shoulders, moving along with the rhythm of the song.

They danced and danced what felt like hours, and the world around them faded into the background.

It was just them.

Staring into each other's eyes, holding the other close.

"I think we should go back," not that he really wanted to but they had to part eventually.

"Okay." Clint's smile was so gentle, Phil's heart began to contract painfully.

He'd almost lost the most important person in his life and for what?

For something every agent could have done.

"Come," Clint dragged him back to their friends.

"You two." Tony pointed at them, "put every relationship to shame. I feel like the world's worst boyfriend ever."

Bruce and Steve nodded silently, frowning.

"Complexes?" Clint grinned.

"Yeah," the three man said in unison.

Phil smirked, "I'm surprised Mr. Stark. You of all people?!"

"Ah shut up," he grumbled.

"You're no fun." Clint sat down, stealing Nat's beer.

"You have an admirer," Natasha said to Clint. "They just got through the door but their eyes are on you. Especially the guy in the red shirt."

Tony and Steve chuckled as Phil's expression darkened dangerously.

"Jealous much?" Tony mocked.

"Indeed Mr. Stark," they didn't expect a confirmation.

"They're coming," she knew how this would end.

"Hey pretty boy, do you mind if I ask you for a dance," his friends stood behind the guy grinning.

"I'm not interested," Clint used his most heart melting smile.

The guy blushed slightly, "Come on just one dance."

"One dance can't hurt," one of his friends cat called.

"Au contraire," Clint said serious, "It would hurt, a lot."

"Why is that?" they guy asked angrily, the blond was playing with him. He hated that.

"Because I will shoot you when you touch my husband," Phil looked up and gave him his best 'I'm a bad-ass Agent' glare.

"Husband?" the guy paled and raised his hands. "Okay, I back off."

"Good choice," Phil watched them go.

"Agent Coulson, you're the scariest SOB I ever met," Tony praised.

"Thank you Mr. Stark but the honor belongs to Clint."

"It does?" Steve raised a brow, scarier as Phil Coulson, was that even possible?

"A young man was flirting with me. He got transferred to us from the west coast. He was pretty and charming...OW," Phil rubbed his leg where Clint had kicked him.

"Not as pretty and charming as you of course," Phil added. "As oblivious as I can be I didn't notice the fact that he was interested in me. That I don't like women much was a well known fact even back then. His new partner tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. He fastened his name tag on his chest before he came to work. Suddenly an arrow hit him in the chest, Clint was friendly enough not to use a sharp one, there was a suction pad at its head. But the force knocked him on his ass nonetheless. It hit the name tag. The guy almost fainted, he thought he was dying, I never saw anyone hyperventilating that way. After his breakdown abated he needed three tries to remove the piece of paper from the arrow, his hands shook so badly. Clint had written him a little note with the order to keep his filthy paws to himself and leave his man alone, signed by Hawkeye." Phil looked uncomfortably cheerful while he retold the story.

"No kidding?" Bruce blurted out, what the hell?

"He was touching him," Clint stated as if it was reason enough to frighten an Agent to death. Maybe in their world it was.

Remind me to never hit on one of them," Tony muttered.

"They're the least evil if you dare to cheat on me," Steve threatened.

Tony felt loved even though the thought was scary.


	5. Hypocrite

Their next job was anything but easy. A self-appointed evil overlord hid a bomb in a huge building complex.

They had to find it and that fast but their main priority was to evacuate the staff.

It wasn't easy the building was huge and their time was limited.

"Cap we have ten minutes left," Coulson panted while he led a group of women to safety, there wasn't enough time left to find the bomb.

"Time is getting short," he searched for remaining people on the twelfth floor.

Iron man flew around the building bringing anyone to safety he could find.

They all tried to use the stairs and weaker people got hurt in the process and weren't able to flee on their own.

Hulk and Black widow split up to look on different floors but they couldn't find anyone.

That was a good sign.

Clint was less lucky, he found a middle aged woman while he searched the sixth floor. She broke her leg as she tried to flee. Someone had pushed her and she fell. People didn't mind her and stamped on her. She was lucky to be alive.

"Come on Mildred, we don't have much time left. I know it hurts."

"Leave me behind," she pleaded, the kid was so young compared to her. "I lived a satisfying life."

"No," he refused. "You have at least thirty more years ahead of you."

"I don't want to get us both killed," she urged. "Safe yourself."

"Can't do that," he panted looking around for an escape route, "it's not right."

"I'm a widow, my children are adults. They have their own families. It's okay for me to go."

"They need their mother," he pulled her up again and headed for the stairs.

"Do you have a family?" she gave her best not to slow him down too much.

"I have a husband," they hurried down the stairs.

"He needs you," she said gently. "What will he do without you?"

"Don't want to find it out," as if he could when he was dead but he was sure his partner would be devastated.

Blaming him just like he'd blamed Phil for giving his life to protect strangers.

"You're a good boy," she gave up and focused on his safety instead.

"We have to find shelter," he looked at his watch, they wouldn't make it. He turned his mic off a while ago.

Not wanting Phil to hear them struggle for their lives.

They reached the third floor, he let go of her and crushed one of the windows.

He pulled out an arrow and shot, hitting the building on the opposite. A rope followed his arrow providing a way out.

The ropeway was her last chance.

"Hold this," he found a makeshift handle in the abandoned office.

He helped her up and attached the handle to the rope. "Hold on," he said and gave her a push.

She screamed in shock as the man pushed her out the window, sliding in the direction of a house far enough away not to get blown up.

She hit the wall of the building with a little more force than she was comfortable with and her short fall was awfully painful but she was alive.

She couldn't believe it.

The building exploded, shortly after, but there was no trace of the brave young man who saved her life.

:::::::::::::::::

"I hope we got anyone out," Cap watched the building explode. "There is no chance to survive that."

Iron man landed close to them, carrying a young man.

He was unconscious but the medics said he would be fine.

"That was close," Bruce said after he transformed back into his human form.

"Too close." Natasha was covered in dust, "Phil are you okay?"

The older man was deadly pale and his mouth hung slightly open, he tapped frantically against his ear.

"No," he mouthed, unshed tears glimmered in his eyes. "Don't you dare."

"Phil," Tony said before he realized that someone was missing. "Where is Hawkeye?"

The question was followed by dead silence, all eyes fixed on the building or what was left of it.

"Hawkeye?" Steve got a grip on himself and tried to make contact but he was met by silence.

The line was dead.

Coulson closed his eyes for a brief moment before he gave out orders.

Looking for survivors, cleaning up the mess.

:::::::::::::::::::::

They waited for two hours before a paramedic approached them. "We found a survivor one block away from here. She said one of your Agents build a ropeway for her, with help of an arrow, and she asked me to tell you that he died as a hero. She wants his family to know that his death was not pointless but highly heroic."

"He didn't follow her?" Phil choked out.

"According to her there was not enough time."

"How is she?"

"Broken leg, that's the reason they didn't get out in time, he didn't get out in time. The impact with a brick wall was luckily not as bad as we feared. One cracked rib and bruises. She will be fine," the paramedic smiled sadly. "I have to go."

Phil nodded not really hearing what the man said.

His husband was gone.

Dead.

Killed in an explosion, at least he died quick.

"I'm sorry Phil," Steve said with tears in his eyes.

Natasha cried while Bruce held her tight.

He felt guilty for the feeling of relief.

Natasha was here in his arms, unharmed and very much alive.

Tony watched the disaster crew while they searched for any sign of life.

But their dogs kept quiet and his hope faded.

"He can't be gone," Phil stared at the rubble tip.

That was what Clint felt after he faked his death, despair, guilt.

His heart ached painfully but apart from the pain, he felt empty.

Steve couldn't stand around and do nothing, "Let's search for him."

They nodded in agreement, it was better than doing nothing.

They owed him that much.

Hours past without a sign and they had to give up, as painful as it was there was no hope left.

They gathered at HQ while Nick tried his best to offer comfort.

He wasn't good at it but they appreciated his attempt.

"Phil do you want coffee?" Nat offered, her eyes still red and puffy.

He shook his head. "No thank you," his voice sounded hollow even to him.

Tony and Steve sat on a couch at the foyer.

Phil broke down the moment they entered HQ and he wasn't able to go further than the armchair at the other end of the foyer, so they occupied all seats down there.

"Phil," Nick sat on a chair next to his friend. "You should see Julian."

"No," he said vehemently. "He has no right to tinker with my grief."

"He can help."

"I don't want his help," Phil hissed. "He will force me to talk and talk and talk but before he does that he will take my pain away. Making me happy and comfortable. But I am not!"

"Okay." Fury gave in, "but you have to talk about it at one point."

"Geez, Nick. He isn't even 10 hours dead," he yelled.

"I know," the director said.

"Do you want to tell us something about him?" Tony learned that it could help to remember nice things but he knew just as well that the feeling did not last long and the down fall was ugly.

Phil shrugged. "He asked me to marry him after a mission went south," he smiled sadly. "He waited for me at my office and didn't grant me any time to write my report. He just dragged me out of HQ, not saying a word. I tried to fight him off, I was everything but pleased because he interfered with my work but I can't deny him anything so I gave up and followed him. He... he didn't say a single word even though I threatened him. Extra paperwork, he hates paperwork. No, he just smiled at me while he held my hand. We drove to a clearing, outside of town. It was dark and the stars glittered like jewels. He spread a blanket over the ground and provided the best food I ever had. He sweet talked the owner of my favorite restaurant to cook for him. After we ate and talked he got on his knee. He can be old-fashioned at times.

He asked me to marry him, in the middle of nowhere under the star-spattered sky.

We married three month later. He wore a suit just for me, everything he ever did was for me.

He isn't selfish, never was. He'd do anything to make people happy," he chuckled, Clint gave him hell for sacrificing himself for the need of many and what did he do?

"He wore a suit at your funeral." Nick remembered, he had been surprised. "Black suit, black shirt and tie, and shades."

"What?" that stung, a lot. Phil felt even more agitated.

"It was his own decision," his friend had done it to honor his husbands memory.

"I miss him," Tony confessed. "My favorite trouble maker."

"That he was," Steve agreed. "It's nice to be around him," when his mood was good.

"I was stuck in a life I never wanted. I had to work for people I despised until the day I met him. He didn't ask any questions, he just looked at me and before I knew what was happening I boarded a plane towards America. He convinced Fury to keep me and then he vanished.

One year passed before we met again, I got transferred to black ops. From there on he was my boss," the memory hurt, deeply. Clint was her savior.

"I love you too," their heads shot around.

In front of them stood a bettered and dusty archer, the wall he leaned at was the only reason he didn't keel over. "Clint," Phil got up and flung himself at his husband. "You're alive."

"Barely," he coughed, his knees gave in and he slumped against his lover.

"Clint," Phil panicked even more. "Hold on."

They brought him immediately to the medical department.

Phil wasn't sure what felt worse thinking Clint was dead or fearing for his life with the knowledge that he might die again.

They started surgery 3 hours ago and he felt his hope slip through his fingers with each passing minute.

"Coulson," a pretty doctor approached them.

"How is he?" Coulson blurted out in panic.

"He will be fine," she assured. "We stopped the internal bleeding and fixed his shoulder.

He needs rest and physiotherapy. His scratches and bruises will heal in no time."

"Thank you." Phil sighed in relieve, "Thank you."

"Lucky bastard," Nick huffed. "Leave it to Barton to get caught in an explosion and walk out of it practically unharmed."

"He's clever," Phil smiled. "He's our Hawk."

::::::::::::::::::::

"Don't move" Phil put a hand on Clint's chest, his other hand caressed the archer's head.

"You look terrible," the younger man whispered.

"I thought you're dead," Coulson blinked his tears away, his hands still trembled. "I thought you left."

"I'm sorry," his voice got stronger. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine. How did you get out of there?"

"Luck," the archer took Phil's hand, which lay on his chest. "I was halfway out of the building as it exploded. I was trapped under debris. It took me a while to get out of there. I came straight to you."

Phil caressed Clint's bruised cheek, "I'm proud of you but do it again and I'll shoot you."

Clint chuckled, "Ow. Don't make me laugh."

"It wasn't a joke."

"No but you threw my own words back at me," Clint brought Phil's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles. He couldn't stand to see his lover's hands shake.

"I learned my lesson believe me. You don't have to blow yourself up, for me to understand," he let his tears fall. "I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you. I lost you for half a day and was already a wreck. Months without you? Not possible."

"I'm not going anywhere," as if he could.

"I know," he kissed the archer, "but we have to stop sacrificing our lives. Deal?"

"Deal. No more 'I'll die for you whoever you are' but 'sorry I have to survive for the one I love' got it," they knew it wasn't that easy but they could work something out.

They had their friends and each other, the chance to grow old together was pretty good for all of them.

They sealed their reunion with a loving kiss.

Together.

They were still together.

Fighting with tooth and nail against all odds.

Life can be wonderful when you make the best out of it and they had every intention to enjoy the time they had, less arguing about personality traits but more appreciation and tons of love.

The End


End file.
